Every organization has one. The high-powered, dominant leader who intimidates, with a tendency to control every conversation and meeting. The one who micromanages, and who shows up with an energy and presence that can make other people feel diminished. Some of these leaders are aware and willing to recognize their patterns, but others are clueless, or choose not to look in the mirror, because that would mean admitting something they're not yet ready to face.

I've met two of these leaders recently. One is a biotech CEO who read my book's introduction and messaged me within hours.This was his life, including the carnage he'd left behind. The other is a hospital department head in gynecology, who told me she had to put the book down several times; it was too close to home to read in one sitting.

These leaders are exceptional and driven and they get things done. Organizations love the progress they bring in, and that makes them untouchable—people you can't lose or disturb because they bring in the money. And, let's face it, they're often frightening to approach.

But I know something about these two leaders they don't like to share: They are lonely at the top. They hide grief and pain under the justification of "the cost of doing business." However, there's a better way, one where you don't feel lonely, don't lose the people around you, and still get things done.

Over the past three years working with them, I selected and analyzed 16 of these dominant leader types, and one of the main gaps that emerged was how they see themselves versus how their teams experience them. When the leaders would say something like, "My team is strong; they can take my style," the 360 feedback reports contradicted what they believed. The team tolerated them, but did not enjoy working with them as much as they thought. The leaders were described as brilliant, relentless and decisive, but also as intimidating, resistant and hard to approach.

Five patterns to look for

If you're wondering whether you have one of these leaders in your organization, look for these five patterns:

1. Micromanagement: The decisions bottleneck around a controlling leader, approvals pile up because they "can handle it," and direct reports stop bringing recommendations, waiting for instructions instead.
2. Poor listening: They speak most of the time, and if asked, people say they don't feel heard around them.‍
3. Intimidating presence: People can't always name the problem, but when asked directly, "Do you feel intimidated around them?", the answer is often yes. They rehearse conversations, or avoid them altogether.

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